Gusts of Change

Today has just been very, funny for me. I feel like I should be incredibly angry with you. But I'm not. I don't know if that's because I believe this whole engagement thing to be a load of bullshit, or if it's because I don't care as much as I thought. Now this isn't really anything new, but I guess I'm writing because I feel like I need to explain myself. Whether or not I really do... *shrugs*. You have this annoying habit of making me feel like I'm always in the wrong, or if there is no right or wrong, of making me feel sorry for you.

I don't really know what I want from this new kind of friendship we have. Because that's all it can really be, is friendship. I know that things are, and should be different between us, but I'm not sure how to deal with that change. You say that I'm being passive-aggressive, but that's really not my intention. However, there will always be some hostility. You hurt me, again. While it's not soul-crushing, I'm not going to let that go lightly. We have a lot of things to work out, or at least I can speak for myself when I say that I have a lot of things to work out with you.

I'm glad that you found some happiness for yourself, but I'm upset that it couldn't be with me. And hence, I'm not really all that happy about the situation in general. I would love to be able to say, "I wish you a wonderful and happy life with her" but I can't. Truth is, I'm just not that big of a person. So instead, I settle for passive. Make myself believe that I don't care in the slightest. I want to have all those fun conversations with you, like we used to have. I don't know if that could happen, though, because the dynamic of us has changed. For good or bad, we aren't the same.


EDIT: Anyone else notice how many "but"s and "however"s there are above? >.>

BIRTHDAY!

Today was my 18th birthday! I went up to the MIT open ballroom competition and had a blast with everyone even though I didn't compete. Sure beats sitting on my butt at home. But unfortunately now, I'm dead tired and have a ton of homework to do. Perhaps I'll write more later, but I'm starting to feel like this whole blogging thing is dying down for me. If I can't come up with something really useful to say, I don't usually say it.

Rejection.

Now I think I know why when a guy cheats, the girls go after each other and not the guy. While sometimes it is because they are just stupid and furious, I don't think that's the reason all of the time. I think it's just easier for them to believe that some stupid bitch came along and seduced their man rather than face the idea of rejection. The idea that maybe, they just aren't good enough, aren't the kind of person their man wants. Some take that rejection hard.

Although I haven't been cheated on, perhaps this is something I too need to face.

Dancing

Went out dancing tonight. I had sooo much fun. It was a fundraiser dance at the Arthur Murray Studio and a bunch of my other dance friends were there. Had squeeze four people into a three person truck on the way home though >.> that was interesting...

I can't wait for Sunday, it's my birthday! I'm finally going to be legal! >.<

Anyways, I'm tired, and as usual, words can never express my excitement or the fun I have when I go out dancing.

Cloud Nine

I was just watching a Dairy Queen commercial, and something hit me. I think I know where the expression "on cloud nine" comes from. It was the new commercial about the midnight truffle blizzard and how it'll put you on cloud nine and make you lose your breath... Well, maybe if something is so good it'll make you be on cloud nine and lose your breath, there's a connection, right? So I thought, what else makes you lose your breath? And it hit me. Duhh, if you travel too high in the sky you can't breathe. So if something makes you lose your breath, that's why it puts you on cloud nine. xD

Vacation Week (part two)

After every high comes the crashing fall. I had an awesome week, especially the past couple of days. But then, I found out that the person I love, and claims to love me back is engaged. For real. To another girl. I know it won't last long, I mean they've only been dating a week, and she's a high school sophomore. But it hurts, regardless. It hurts bad. I know that I need to tell him to choose, me or her. It can't be both, I just couldn't survive that. I deserve better, I deserve respect. You don't treat the people you love with that kind of disregard. I know that I'll always love him, I always have, even if I didn't always realize it. I'll just have to tuck that love away, again, and hope that the future will yield a better result.

The truth doesn't help with the sting.

Tuesday

Had a ton of dance today. Went to ballroom from 2-4 and then west coast from 7-12. It was pretty sweet. I had a birthday dance and yummy cake and yeahhh. All in all, an amazing night. Good people, great dancing, tons of fun.

Vacation Week

Well, I know I haven't written in a while, but I've been busy.

On Saturday, I spent 10 hours working on the homework I got over vacation. The sad part? I'm only half-way done. I don't understand why teachers feel it's necessary to dominate our vacations. It's not fair. They're supposed to be a break from school, not even more work.

On Sunday, I went to visit Marist College, and I absolutely love it. Not only is the campus completely gorgeous, but it has the academic environment that I want. I found out that I was one of 950 accepted freshman, selected out of over 10,000 applicants. There is just no way to explain how completely excited I am to go there. The dorms are great, with townhouses for upperclassmen, and I can walk from one side of campus to the other in 15 minutes no problem. The technology there is wonderful, and I love the study abroad program. If all goes well, I'll study abroad three times: for 2 weeks over my freshman year spring break in Hawaii, a semester in Argentina my sophmore year, and a language immersion semester in Spain my junior year. And, the best part? It's all normal tuition. It won't cost me a thing extra! I wish I had brought my camera, because practically every place on campus was just picture perfect. >.< I really can't wait to spend four years of my life there!

Today, I had an appointment at the Connecticut Student Loan Foundation (CSLF). Hopefully now, my mom can take care of all the financial stuff. After college, I'm going to be nearly 130,000 in debt. Un-freakin-believable. After that, we went shopping at Uptown Consignment. I got a pair of brown leather flip-flops, which not only look nice, but are wicked comfy. I also got two new pairs of jeans, (size 4) and a brown, floral skirt, (size 0). Tell me, how can I be a size four and a size zero at the same time? O.o I really wish clothing manufacturers would keep there sizes more standard. It would make things so much easier...

Sleep.

*pokes*
Oh hey, look at that. I'm feeling better =)
I think it was just the lack of sleep yesterday that was making me mooooodyyy. (It's amazing what a good night's rest can do for your mood.)

Want.

Man. It really sucks when you don't get what you want. Not that I didn't already know that... but it tends to make me say some craaaazyyy things. Probably because it stresses me out and makes me anxious. *Sigh*

Like, for example, how I'm in the same predicament I've always been in. You may be "connected" to someone who lives close to you. But I'm still pining over the same forbidden fruit with nothing to take the edge off. I'm the one who's still alone.

Yes, I know, I will be my own downfall in this matter. I'll say something I'll regret and I won't be able to take it back. If only I could control my damn emotions.

And how every time I see her name on your facebook, I get a little bit sick to my stomach. It's not even that I hate her. I'm sure she's a fantastic person. It's just my psychosomatic response. Yeah, I just went AP Psych on your ass.

Strength

I would like to say I'm proud of myself for being strong; but the truth is I'm weak. If I was strong I would leave you behind and never look back. But I can't do that. I want you too much. I don't know what the future will hold, but I look forward to it because it's a time other than the present. Nothing has changed, but my heart feels heavy with jealousy. I've made peace with it, or at least I thought I had...

Nothing's Changed.

I realized that nothing's really changed. We're just the same as always. Hopefully we'll come out better for this.

Ohh boy.

Ohh boy. Some heavy things to get out tonight.
I just want to let you know, this is going to be a mess and out of order and what not. I'm writing what I think as I think it. No more, no less.

I think she's a bitch for what she's done to you. Rowan just broke up with you and she already asks you out? I guess I'm a bitch too then for wanting it... but there was a reason I was leaving the decision up to you. In my heart, I knew there was a chance of it not working out.. but still, I hoped. And in the sliver of a chance that you might hope for the same, I wanted it to start out right. I wanted to give you time, time to think, breath, figure everything out. Instead? You flit right off to another girl. I think that's disrespectful, both to Rowan and to myself to fly off so suddenly.


...more later? when I can think, perhaps...

Si lo que ha pasado... Spanish Version

Si Lo Que Ha Pasado...
Si lo que ha pasado, nunca pasó,
Hubieramos sido personas diferentes a las que somos hoy.

Los ojos tuyos no hubieran sido tan encantados,
Ni el pelo tuyo tan negro.
Los besos tuyos no hubieran sido tan queridos,
Ni las manos tuyas tan suaves.

Si lo que ha pasado, nunca pasó,
No te hubiera amado como te amo hoy.

Some new poetry...

Okay, I guess I'll post the crappy poems first...

Waiting
Her smile falters,
A tear runs down her cheek;
"Why did this happen to me?"

Is this all just because
Of what was?

Or is this something new?
"I'll wait for you."

It would be nice to think
She'd wait for eternity.
The reality?

Don't make her wait forever.



Sweet Dreams
I asked if you wanted to go
And you said, "No dear, not quite yet."
But when I was quiet for too long,
Your soft snores enveloped me.
If you had only woken up,
You'd have heard all of the sweet names
I called
Sweet dreams.



The Beginning of the End
Do you remember that first day?
Well I do.

Walking down the street,
Hands in our pockets.
Mine in yours, yours in mine.

There was no better feeling,
Than your arms around me.

The rose, sweet-smelling
And silky red in my hand...

I don't remember
Where we were going;
It didn't really matter
Because we never got there.

It was raining,
In the end.

Wanting. Waiting. Wishing.

Feeling pretty down right about now. I'm not really sure why. I should be happy with what I've got. Is that so impossible for me? =/

Wanting. Waiting. Wishing.

Wanting, because of all that you do. It makes me want you more, and my only hope is that you want me just as much. I wish we could just go into our own little world. At least there, everything would be okay.

Waiting, because I won't push you. Whatever is going to happen will happen. You know what I want; I want you. The rest is up to you. I will wait for you, I just hope it won't be for nothing, again.

Wishing, because there are so many things I want right now. Want, want, want. I sound like a little child. I know I can't have any and everything I want. But that won't stop me from wishing and hoping for it.

I admit that sometimes I'm jealous. You are a ladies man, to be true. But I refuse to act on it. Neither one of us deserves the mess that ensues.

How come I can never take my own advice when it comes to love?

Easter

HAPPY ZOMBIE JESUS DAY!

My icon is officially a zombie bunny. So when you need help finding those hard to find Easter eggs? ZOMBIE BUNNIES TO THE RESCUE!

(Just beware, the vampiric cupcakes... they'll bite your face off >.>)

Grwawwrrrr (part two).

Because only he could hear my growl and see that face and call it adorable. <3

Mall

Keys that unlock hearts are more important than any other kind.


Went to the mall today for four hours. Just kind of wandered around with someone special. I bought a book of Emily Dickinson poetry and a caffe mocha latte in B&N. Waited for an hour. Then we just walked around and looked for some clothes for when he goes to Europe. Had Sbarro's for lunch, with some yummy cheesecake. I ate more than him. No surprise, the twig. Was gonna get something from Victoria's Secret, but I couldn't find anything I liked (wierd, huh?). Bought a key necklace in Icing, then left.

Sounds kind of boring, I know. But it wasn't. We just walked and relaxed. And chilled. Got yelled at by some jeweler's trying to get us to sign up for something to win a free engagement ring >>
Uhh yeah dude. We're not even dating... <<

Had an Amanda moment.
Me (with disgusted look on face): Eww, what are those red things?
Sam: Uhh. They're cherries dear. You know, the little red fruit that grows on trees...
Me: Really?! They grow on trees?

I love the feeling of just being in his arms. I can actually fit my arms around him comfortably. It's just so... perfect, I can't even describe.


From the ashes of disaster grow the roses of success!

Quotes

Here are some quotes I made up about a month ago:

1. Love is like a flower... beautiful in bloom, but without nourishment it will wither and die.
2. Love isn't just one idea or thing. Each love is as unique as the people who have it.
3. Sometimes we think that love isn't there just because we can't touch it. But it's untouchable, even by words, because no sum of individual words could ever equal the meaning of love.
4. Sometimes, we fall in love with the idea of being with a person, not with the person themselves.

Si lo que ha pasado...

This is a new poem I've been working on. It's not quite finished yet and it may sound a little awkward because it's meant to be in Spanish.

If that which has passed, never passed,
We would be different people
than we are today.

Your eyes wouldn't be so captivating,
Nor your hair so black.
Your kisses wouldn't be so sweet
Nor your hands so soft.

If that which has passed, never passed,
I would never have loved you,
As I love you today.

Love

Some people say that they don't believe in love. Well I say, that's a lie. There are a million different ways to love in this world. Without love, it would be a dark and lonely place. You can love family, friends, care for others, love the world, be kind to those around you, love that special someone; all are forms of love, all are equally important.

When people say that they don't believe in love, it's likely they just haven't found it with that special person yet. And who knows if any of us really have? Every person is different so the love between them will be different. Some say they believe that they only have one soul mate in the world. But think about it, there are BILLIONS of people in the world. Would it be so impossible that there is more than one person for you to love? Not everything is so set in stone as many would have you believe.

So be free, live your life the way you want it to be and be confident; there is someone out there in the world searching for you just as you are searching for them.

Grwawwrrrr.

Grwawwrrrr. That's how I feel. =)

*Sigh*

*sigh*
Why do I always have to like the taken ones?

You've finally admitted what I knew from the start, but I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter. It changes nothing.

EDIT 4-5-09: Why do I have to be such an idiot sometimes? I want you to be happy and you're happy with her. But I'm falling for you anyways.

My Love for You

Your eyes, gray as the mist above the sea,
Bore into my heart and soul.
Your hair, black as the starless night,
Entombed me in your sanctuary.

As I lie here next to you,
I can hear your heart beat:
Thump-thump, thump-thump.
Feel your soft breath on my ear,
The coolness of your body next to mine.
Your voice whispers to me,
Like a seducer in my dreams.
Entwined together, while not forever,
Lit me up like a star in the sky.

My love for you goes as deep as the sea
I'll always believe in you even as you waver.
Let the light of your heart shine through,
To that place in my dreams;
I'm waiting for you.

the Storm in my Heart

The silence of the night deepens,
Lying here, waiting for you.
The full moon shines silvery-gray,
Dulled through the cover of the clouds.
Each second the sky grows darker,
Until complete and utter darkness
Descends upon my heart.
Lightning flashes, entwined and forked in the sky,
Like the lovers we once were.
Thunder grumbles low in the background,
As if the sky itself was wronged.
Then the rain plummets in a growing torrent,
Crying for what once was,
And will never be again.

You.

I can't help but smile every time I think of you. I've enjoyed our talks greatly, but it bothers me how attached we have become. I don't want to be the ruin of another relationship. I've already ruined enough. May your mind wander no more. =)

I don't want to be the girl on the side.

Edit: I can't help it, I'm jealous. Jealous of her and that I can't be yours for real. Mad for letting myself believe in your words, even if they are true. You treat me as if I was the most wonderful person in the world and nothing could make you happier. I hope it won't all be for nothing.

No sleep ahead...

Stupid, stupid me.
I cry for what I've lost, because I can't see what I'll find.

I'm sorry for what I've done. I let myself stray for no good reason and I may have lost my love because of it. I know not what would have happened if I had restrained myself. Perhaps things would have ended up the same way, I don't know. I'm torn in different directions and I can't seem to get my bearings. I feel like in the end, my choice will be for the better, but the wait is what's killing me the most. I don't want to regret anything in the end.

S.J.

So out of nowhere comes my ex-boyfriend. Things ended pretty badly a few years ago, but he sent me a message apologizing and wanting to start over as friends. I had gotten over him, and didn't really care whether or not we spoke anymore. But I accepted the friend invite, because, I mean, it couldn't hurt, right?

I guess in the end I'm just a little confused because we flirt so much. It's different than before, but in a good way. I don't want to be in a relationship and he has a girlfriend of six months, but I think I'm starting to like this guy again.

He's always so nice to me and compliments me on everything. He makes me feel wanted. And now that I'm talking to him again, I'm glad I accepted the invite. I'm eager to see what the future will hold.

Sadness

I think that if sadness could be tangible, it would be something cold and wet that seeps into your soul, like water to a sponge. It can find its way into the smallest of nooks and drown you in its sorrow.


Cheerfulness is the opposite. When someone is truly happy it comes from every cell within and radiates outward.

Sam (12:41:31 AM):

Kind of like a bright light; it eliminates the shadows inside first, and then it works its way outward.

Fear

Sam (9:10:55 PM): I'd have to say fear is a shapeshifter, no? It intrudes to the depths of your mind, takes your harshest insecurity or irrationality, and uses it as a weapon.

I think I'm going to start blogging about the ways in which emotions work. This really struck me, and I just wanted to remember it.

Change

I think for the most part, we remain the same people for the whole of our lives. The changes we make within ourselves may seem huge, but in reality are only very small.

Senior

(inspired by a friend)
A true senior isn't someone who works their butt off or slacks off completely. It's someone who just looks like they're being productive. =P

"Beauty is a light in the heart"

The thing about people is that we always see the outside of a person first. I want to be loved not for my looks, but for what's inside of me. The person who you are going to spend the rest of your life with better not care what you look like because when you're 80 and all wrinkly, the looks aren't going to be there to sustain the relationship.

I want someone to love me for who I am, who I was, and who I'm going to be in the future. It is foolish to think that just because you have found your love, you will be the same person for the rest of your life. We are forever changing, whether it be for the better or for the worst. I want to find that person who I can love no matter what happens. Maybe I've already found him. But love isn't always the problem. A relationship is more than love. It is about the way you behave towards one another. Actions are more important than words. I fear that this was my greatest mistake. I want to get up and live my life fully, I just have to find the courage within myself to act. I need to bring out the best in myself, not depend on others to do it for me.

From now on, I promise to myself that I will not be afraid to try and to fail. I will overcome my fear of the unknown because in the end, I will regret the things I didn't do more than those I did.

Actions speak louder than words.

A friend of mine once said, "It's not about who you really are, you are defined by your actions." Even with the best of intentions, if you act like a bitch then you are a bitch.

I realize that perhaps I need to talk less and act more because all the words in the world won't change anything unless they are acted upon.

Gossip

Okay, so ready for a long fucked up story?
I've been getting anonymous comments in my honesty box on facebook. They were calling my a bitch and blah blah. Basically a whole bunch of gossip started up and although most of it is actually true, I have no clue how it got out or who blabbed their big mouths.

That is, until now.

It was my freaking best friend. BEST FRIEND. You know, the ones that are supposed to stick by your side and make you feel better after a break up, bash the boy's face in, etc? Yeah well she's been gossiping about me behind my back, calling me a bitch, and not having the guts to own up to it. Meanwhile, she's been pretending to be her sweet little self and comfort me when I'm venting about all the honesty box comments and the bad things I've been hearing. How fucked up is that?

Then, on top of that, she got her boyfriend to leave me some nasty comments too, only I don't know if he really meant them because he always put a <3 at the end.

If there were sides, (which there aren't) she would chose my ex-boyfriends side. Whose the bitch now?

Danceee

So I danced from 6 to 9 tonight. It wasn't my best night ever but it was totally exciting. I was flipping back and forth between salsa and west coast swing.

I met this totally cute guy named Josh and I think he's already graduated college, but we danced and he was really good. I was all excited, but then, I forgot to get his facebook before I left. =(
I was sad but then, I found it through the coordinator's facebook. Yay!

Hugs

I think something a lot of people don't realize is that hugs are just as intimate as kisses. We don't think of it because we hug our friends and that's socially acceptable, while kissing them is not. But really, it's just what we make of each of them. It's like when you hug an ex-boyfriend right after a break up. It feels awkward because it is something that was intimate between the two of you and now you have to try to make it not intimate. For this reason it will always feel awkward because you'll remember what his hugs used to feel like. A gentle little squeeze is nothing compared to a big, comfy, soul-crushing hug.

I miss my big comfy hugs. =/

Is it?

Is it possible to love someone you can't be in a relationship with?
Is it me?
Is it bad if I still miss him?
Is it?

Some oldies but goodies

Clouds of Life

Show these thoughts of love

Enclosed with thoughts of fear

The sky will give me freedom

Come clouds, draw me near.

The base of all my pain

Comes from the shadows of my heart,

The forces of this world are tearing me apart.

Tears of Blood

I'll have my vengeance for what you've done

If you think I have feelings, you're mistaken, there's none.

For now the tears of blood won't wash away,

And the flames of pain will run down my face.

I trusted you for all that's worth,

Yet somehow, you turned out worse.

Demon I say- Show your true face.

Believe me now, your blood is waste.

Death of a Lover

Curse you, fiend- I'll have your head

For the love you shared with her instead.

The mask that you wear, it doesn't show

The dark chambers of your heart

Where lies your foe.

The blackness of your soul, I will not forgive.

The choice is mine and I choose to live.

Beautiful, Don't

Dark lonely night,
I met you there in my dreams again.
You hid beyond the trees
While the soft glow of your eyes called to me.

I had never felt so vulnerable.

Winds of silk blew through your hair
While you danced like the most beautiful angel.
Twirling and laughing
You beckoned me on under the pale silver of the moon.

I ran to your side,
Stared into your eyes and into your heart.
Felt the smooth silk of your dress slip through my fingers,
Only to have you fade away.

New

I don't really blog much, so I'm not sure how this is going to work, but I'm gonna give it a shot anyways. This really isn't meant to be read by anyone, so if you're reading this either you're very clever or I've given up and told people about this blog.

I never was very good at keeping a diary. I write every day, but when I feel like I have to write something, I blank out.

Well to start off, I have a blog on myspace but mostly I just post poems and such there. I really want to have this blog inspire and give deeper meaning to important issues in life.

The blog title is something that means a lot to me. I love to dance, but happiness comes in the simplest of ways. It's almost a return to childhood and to the base nature of humans. For me, the best thing in the world is just sitting outside in the spring, barefoot and feeling a cool breeze wash over me. That kind of happiness leaves an impression in my mind more so than any one object I could obtain. In the end, I think it's not what things we have that will make us happy, but what we make of things.