Gusts of Change

Today has just been very, funny for me. I feel like I should be incredibly angry with you. But I'm not. I don't know if that's because I believe this whole engagement thing to be a load of bullshit, or if it's because I don't care as much as I thought. Now this isn't really anything new, but I guess I'm writing because I feel like I need to explain myself. Whether or not I really do... *shrugs*. You have this annoying habit of making me feel like I'm always in the wrong, or if there is no right or wrong, of making me feel sorry for you.

I don't really know what I want from this new kind of friendship we have. Because that's all it can really be, is friendship. I know that things are, and should be different between us, but I'm not sure how to deal with that change. You say that I'm being passive-aggressive, but that's really not my intention. However, there will always be some hostility. You hurt me, again. While it's not soul-crushing, I'm not going to let that go lightly. We have a lot of things to work out, or at least I can speak for myself when I say that I have a lot of things to work out with you.

I'm glad that you found some happiness for yourself, but I'm upset that it couldn't be with me. And hence, I'm not really all that happy about the situation in general. I would love to be able to say, "I wish you a wonderful and happy life with her" but I can't. Truth is, I'm just not that big of a person. So instead, I settle for passive. Make myself believe that I don't care in the slightest. I want to have all those fun conversations with you, like we used to have. I don't know if that could happen, though, because the dynamic of us has changed. For good or bad, we aren't the same.


EDIT: Anyone else notice how many "but"s and "however"s there are above? >.>