Gusts of Change

Today has just been very, funny for me. I feel like I should be incredibly angry with you. But I'm not. I don't know if that's because I believe this whole engagement thing to be a load of bullshit, or if it's because I don't care as much as I thought. Now this isn't really anything new, but I guess I'm writing because I feel like I need to explain myself. Whether or not I really do... *shrugs*. You have this annoying habit of making me feel like I'm always in the wrong, or if there is no right or wrong, of making me feel sorry for you.

I don't really know what I want from this new kind of friendship we have. Because that's all it can really be, is friendship. I know that things are, and should be different between us, but I'm not sure how to deal with that change. You say that I'm being passive-aggressive, but that's really not my intention. However, there will always be some hostility. You hurt me, again. While it's not soul-crushing, I'm not going to let that go lightly. We have a lot of things to work out, or at least I can speak for myself when I say that I have a lot of things to work out with you.

I'm glad that you found some happiness for yourself, but I'm upset that it couldn't be with me. And hence, I'm not really all that happy about the situation in general. I would love to be able to say, "I wish you a wonderful and happy life with her" but I can't. Truth is, I'm just not that big of a person. So instead, I settle for passive. Make myself believe that I don't care in the slightest. I want to have all those fun conversations with you, like we used to have. I don't know if that could happen, though, because the dynamic of us has changed. For good or bad, we aren't the same.


EDIT: Anyone else notice how many "but"s and "however"s there are above? >.>

BIRTHDAY!

Today was my 18th birthday! I went up to the MIT open ballroom competition and had a blast with everyone even though I didn't compete. Sure beats sitting on my butt at home. But unfortunately now, I'm dead tired and have a ton of homework to do. Perhaps I'll write more later, but I'm starting to feel like this whole blogging thing is dying down for me. If I can't come up with something really useful to say, I don't usually say it.

Rejection.

Now I think I know why when a guy cheats, the girls go after each other and not the guy. While sometimes it is because they are just stupid and furious, I don't think that's the reason all of the time. I think it's just easier for them to believe that some stupid bitch came along and seduced their man rather than face the idea of rejection. The idea that maybe, they just aren't good enough, aren't the kind of person their man wants. Some take that rejection hard.

Although I haven't been cheated on, perhaps this is something I too need to face.

Dancing

Went out dancing tonight. I had sooo much fun. It was a fundraiser dance at the Arthur Murray Studio and a bunch of my other dance friends were there. Had squeeze four people into a three person truck on the way home though >.> that was interesting...

I can't wait for Sunday, it's my birthday! I'm finally going to be legal! >.<

Anyways, I'm tired, and as usual, words can never express my excitement or the fun I have when I go out dancing.

Cloud Nine

I was just watching a Dairy Queen commercial, and something hit me. I think I know where the expression "on cloud nine" comes from. It was the new commercial about the midnight truffle blizzard and how it'll put you on cloud nine and make you lose your breath... Well, maybe if something is so good it'll make you be on cloud nine and lose your breath, there's a connection, right? So I thought, what else makes you lose your breath? And it hit me. Duhh, if you travel too high in the sky you can't breathe. So if something makes you lose your breath, that's why it puts you on cloud nine. xD

Vacation Week (part two)

After every high comes the crashing fall. I had an awesome week, especially the past couple of days. But then, I found out that the person I love, and claims to love me back is engaged. For real. To another girl. I know it won't last long, I mean they've only been dating a week, and she's a high school sophomore. But it hurts, regardless. It hurts bad. I know that I need to tell him to choose, me or her. It can't be both, I just couldn't survive that. I deserve better, I deserve respect. You don't treat the people you love with that kind of disregard. I know that I'll always love him, I always have, even if I didn't always realize it. I'll just have to tuck that love away, again, and hope that the future will yield a better result.

The truth doesn't help with the sting.

Tuesday

Had a ton of dance today. Went to ballroom from 2-4 and then west coast from 7-12. It was pretty sweet. I had a birthday dance and yummy cake and yeahhh. All in all, an amazing night. Good people, great dancing, tons of fun.